Prana Danam part 3

Brigitte, of Bridget' for friends and family - quickly comes into my life. She's one of the few women on the program, and out of those one of the very few who isn't terribly shy.

With my Akka, things are a lot easier: we can touch and hug each other, sit close, hold hands, and take pictures together in full public view. Kind, funny, outgoing, energetic, always happy. My number one Akka never fails to catch up with me with an enthusiastic smile.

Over time, we got close. The time we dedicated to each other increased as the program ended, going shopping together in the only 2 stores in the ashram, gossiping about other volunteers, and pouring out our life stories to each other.

-"Akka are you married? Do you have a man?" The inevitable question came very quickly into our conversations.

- "No, I'm not, I'm single" as I said this, she reached out her hand to give me a big high-five "yesssss akka, well done you!".

I laughed at her reaction. I then returned the same question to her; "huuh yes, unfortunately" she replied, with an air of resignation. She's been married to her husband for 8 years, a guy she was set up with by her parents, as part of an arranged marriage. She agreed to go along with it after intense pressure from her family. Akka is in her late 20s at most, so she must have been married off very young.

-"Luckily my husband is OK, he's a nice guy", she elaborates, "he lets me do whatever I want, and I let him live his life". That explains why she's able to go on 2 weeks escapades unaccompanied. Married women in this country are typically not allowed to go places alone for long, there is the expectation that their husbands or a relative comes along. Akka is a lucky exception.

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Beware Akka, Prana danam is intense. Indeed it is the hardest most brutal work I have done in a very long time, involving 18hrs days. By the 4th day I'm exhausted, asking myself what am I doing here, my thinking process no longer goes straight. My body ackes everywhere, particularly in my legs and feet. We are required to work barefeet in both Biksha hall and Akshaya, on cold hard tiled flooring, which is almost always covered in liquids and food particles. I can feel the bone of my heels piercing through the skin of my feet.

But amongst that hectic schedule, we are afforded a few breaks throughout the day - sadhana breaks, whereby the main purpose is for us to follow our yoga x meditation routines.

Soon enough I sink into a routine, that repeats itself without fail in the little down time I have. Morning break, sadhana in the madness of Sunyakund with all the other yogis barking and whaling as part of Kaka krya. I struggle to keep awake during the final stages of shambovi. Once done, I make my way to peppervine cafe, and order not one but 2 coffees - "filter" coffees, which in south India means distilled coffee in full fat milk. Everyday I sit at the same table, facing the entry way, near the valuables counter.

Soon enough, a friend comes by. Antoine, very dedicated to yoga, tall, dark, and handsome. He picks up a bag at the valuables counter, acknowledges me and comes sit with me but for exactly 3 mins only. In those few minutes, we exchange a few words, I complain about how tired I am, while he eats a full spoon of ghee. He then gets up and wishes me a good day. I carry on drinking my 2nd coffee while dabbling on my phone. Eventually, my drinks are done and my break time is up, I make my way to biksha hall for Brunch, before resuming work scrubbing the sinks with my Annas.

Everyday, invariably, the same. We are creatures of habits, especially when time isn't our own, especially when we are under pressure.

Halfway through the program, my mind is toying with the idea of quitting, and I come to a realisation. The only way to get through this is to dissolve myself, to completely give in to the demands of the work, to not think at all. The more I resist, the more I suffer - and as many Asian philosophical systems say, suffering is exclusively in the mind. The more I think, and notice the inefficiencies in the work of people, the pointlessness of this program, and the annoying behaviours of others - the more I get annoyed. But there is no point getting annoyed; I am no one here, I won't instigate change, I won't take charge and don't want to anyways. I can and should let go out the outcome and just be part of of the process, I can let go of the stress of performing well and achieving objectives. If it all goes to shit it's OK, miraculously in Biksha hall it never really does. My ego dissolves, I am now just part of a big team working together for the community.